Thursday, March 28, 2013

Where do I fit in?

I've always felt like an outsider.  Like I've never really belonged anywhere. 

My family moved when I was nine and I started 4th grade at a new school.  Its sad to say that kids have cliques already at that age, but its true.  I always felt like the odd man out.  I had boobs, armpit hair, wore bras, and got my period.  Its safe to say that I've never made friends easily, in spite of the fact that I love to socialize.  I had a few friends in elementary school, but they had known each other for their whole lives (and are still all friends to this day.)

A picture from (I think) 6th grade.  I'm on the left with the fat lip from playing softball.

If anything bad was going to happen to a kid, it was going to happen to me.  Those overalls haunt me.  They still do.  When I was in 6th grade I had some "girl problems" in white overalls.  Even until my senior year I got called "period girl" by this kid named Luke.  Bastard.  I hope people know that when they make you feel humiliated when you are 12, you still remember it when you are 30.  

In middle school I was kind of a strange girl.  I wore baggy pants and tight shirts that apparently got me tagged as a "poser" because I didn't skateboard.  I also wore jeans that my mom turned into bell-bottoms for me by putting a wedge of fabric in the bottom.... I thought they were cool, and still do!  I had permed hair and got called "Miss Frizzle" by my friends Bret and Dave in 7th grade (or maybe 8th?) when we were in Algebra class.

 I was on the track team and actually did quite well!  The 4x200 relay team I was on made a name for ourselves.  We were the "Fab Four" and set a bunch of middle school records.

The "Fab Four" relay team.  I'm on the far left. 

These are the same girls that I went to elementary school with.  They were nice to me I guess, but I was never really one of "them."

In high school I played in the band, was on the track team, and had a few friends.  

Senior Prom.  I am in the purple dress with Brian.  Yep- we met in high school! We are also with the Dave and Bret that I spoke about earlier

Junior Prom

High School marching band.  I played the clarinet

My best friend from high school and myself on graduation day.  That's me on the right.

We liked to play cards during lunch

Brian and I at the homecoming dance

I didn't really enjoy high school.  I can't put my finger on the exact reason, but I just didn't really like it.  As I said, I had a few friends, but that was about it.  I didn't really hang out with a ton of people outside of school and my best friend was a Jeh.ovah's  Her parents didn't really let her hang out with a lot of people so we pretty much just hung out solo.  (She ended up getting married like a year out of high school and didn't even invite me to her wedding.  She's now divorced.)

I met Brian in January of my junior year.  We didn't start really dating until that May- 2000.  After graduation we went on to do our undergrad together.  We both marched in the band... even though Brian didn't play an instrument.  I had a great time in college and really started to find out who I was.  In high school I felt like everybody was fake and just did/said things because they thought that's what they were supposed to do.  I promised myself that after leaving high school I would no longer be fake and I was going to tell it like it was.  

This  decision might come back to bite me in the ass, but I don't care.  I was going to keep it real and quit faking my way through life.  

I made a lot of good friends in college.  Many of which I am still friends with. I liked to party and have a good time, but I also liked to get my schoolwork done, unlike many others. 

Marching band Formal.. I'm on the right

Freshman year... hanging out in the dorm room.  I'm on the right.  

80's party with the marching band folks.  I'm on the right

After I graduated, Brian and I got married and I took a couple years off to just work.  I didn't have a "real" job, but instead worked at a coffee shop. Brian was still in school so we still lived in the college town, but I wasn't in college anymore.  I was in a funk you could say.  One day Brian told me that I either needed to find a real job or go back so school and I decided to go back to school to become a teacher.  While in my master's program, I met some amazing people that I will be friends with for life!  

Michelle and I- just one of our MN Twins baseball adventures

After the Master's program, Brian and I moved 800 miles away to start our new life in Colorado.  We didn't know anyone out here.  I was lucky enough to find a job in a beautiful mountain town.

The view from the parking lot at work

I've been at the same job for 5 years now.  I don't fit in there either.  All of teachers my age are single and don't have kids yet.  Some of the other teachers... well what can I say.  I feel like I'm in high school all over again with the amount of drama.  Enough said.

We started trying to have kids in 2009 and I thought it would be a breeze.  We would meet with the fertility doc and BAM, we would have a kid 9 months later.  Riiiight. I felt so alone at first in the process.  I didn't know who to talk to or even what a BETA, BFN, or TTC meant.  I started reaching out to people on fertility websites and making connections.  As much as infertility sucks, I found that I could really relate with people.  After my second miscarriage I started this blog to help me cope and got involved in the blogosphere.   I loved reading stories about other women going through what I was.... following them from positive HPT all the way to seeing their beautiful babies.

When I finally had success myself, I found groups that supported twin moms.... both local and on FB. I joined one group on FB that consists only of moms of twins that were born around October of 2011.  I was invited to the group by another MOM (mother of multiples) that I'd met at a local event.  I didn't know what I was getting myself into by joining, but I'm so glad I did.  For the first time in my life, I found somewhere that I fit in. These women just get me, and I get them.  They were my support when I got pregnant with the boys.
  They were my support when I was (and still am) having difficulty with breastfeeding the twins. They will continue to be my support through the terrible 2s and whatever else there is to come.  All of us in this group are different and come from different walks of life but have come together in such a unique way.  They are all honest, respectful, and not at all fake.  They are probably some of the nicest people I have ever met and I have never even met most of them in real life. The ones that I have met IRL are the girlfriends I never had.  We get together and can just talk... about anything, not just our kids.  

I have finally figured out my life as best as one can.  I am happy.  Really happy.  Some days are nuts and I am often so tired that I can't even see straight. Currently its 12:41 a.m., I am nursing Elliott, and waiting for his brother Oliver to wake up so I can nurse him too.  I probably won't get to sleep until 2 a.m. and will need to be up with the girls around 7:30 a.m. I will be exhausted, but I don't even care.

I don't feel like such an outsider in my own skin anymore.  I feel like I finally fit in somewhere.  It only took me 20 years to get here but I'm happy that I finally made it.


Amanda said...

Good for you, girlfriend! I'm glad that you are finally in a happy, comfortable place. And who cares if it took 20 years? Some people may search their entire life and never find their place. ((hugs))

Aspgriswold said...

I love seeing all these photos! So happy for you. Seriously, the picture of all your kiddos is so incredibly adorable! :)

AletaObrien said...

I understand about the not fitting in. I never was into the popular clicks back in high school. It's one of the reasons I have never gone to a high school reunion. Why bother when it's the same people and those few that I've wanted to keep in touch with, I have, over all these years and there's only a few of them.
I'm glad you found your place of peace with people. I just posted today about how people judge and I'm trying to find my place. Thank goodness for the Internet. Your children are beautiful and they are blessed to have you as a mom.