Saturday, June 29, 2013

Feeling Lost... and overly emotional

I'm not sure if its the postpartum hormones, if AF will be making her appearance soon, still pumping or what it is, but I have been a complete emotional wreck lately.

The other day I just felt like nothing was going right.  I have pretty much given up on actual breastfeeding because the boys are having none of it.  Elliott will latch for a short time, but won't consume enough to make him satisfied.  I think Oliver is tongue tied and I haven't even tried to BF him in quite some time.  I still can't pump enough milk for them either.  I SO thought this time around would be different, but its just not.  Everyone I know says that I'm doing great and it doesn't matter if I'm breastfeeding, pumping, formula feeding, or a combination of the 3.  I know I'm doing the best that I can but somehow its just not good enough.

Some days I wonder if there is enough of me to go around.  Someone in my twin mom October 2011 FB group said that her twins know their colors, shapes, and how to count to 10.  Wow.  My kids know none of that.  Evy can identify a circle, kind of count to two and that's about it.  Am I not spending enough time trying to teach them these things? Am I letting them watch too much television while I take care of the boys or pump?  Before I had kids I said, "My kids will never watch that much t.v."  Guess the joke's on me.

The past few years all I've been thinking about is making babies, having babies, and taking care of babies.  Now that we are not TTC anymore I'm just feeling a bit lost.  Infertility treatments, cycles, etc gave me some structure and now that we are done with that and I have no job outside of the home things feel hectic and completely unstructured.  The girls have a nap schedule, but that's about the only thing that's certain to be done in a day.  The boys' eating/sleeping is still just whenever.  We don't have any regularly scheduled activities  and Brian's teaching schedule changes so often that its hard to know when he will be home to help or watch two kids while I take the other two out.

Little things have been really stressing me out too.  Brian got me a very special Mother's necklace made by Janel Russell when I first became a mother.  He had two stones put in for the girls.  For Mother's day this year, he took it to a jeweler to have two more stones put in for the boys.  To make a long story short, the jeweler completely wrecked my necklace and it looks like absolute crap.  They took out the beautiful settings that the girls' stones were in and replaced them with ugly ones to match the settings that they had.  I am beyond mad that this stupid jeweler messed up something so special.  I don't even know how to tell them to fix it either, because they took out the settings for the stones that I loved so much.  I can't find a picture of what I want either because its nearly impossible to find a side view.  I may just end up ordering a whole new thing because if I take it somewhere else to get it fixed I will have to pay to mount FOUR stones now, not just the two which will cost about $200.  The original piece was about $300, minus the chain, so close to what we will pay to have someone fix it.  I'm just beyond livid.  Brian thinks I'm being crazy, but I don't think so.

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