Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Feeling like a Mom Fail today

There are some days where I feel like a complete failure as a mom and today is one of those days.  I just can't figure out how to keep everything under control.

As much as I try to be okay with not fully breastfeeding my boys, I'm not.  I just can't get over it.  I try and try and try, but I just don't know how.

My house 90% o the time is a wreck.  Between the toys, dishes, and laundry I just can't keep up.  I think I literally need to go through my house and get rid of 90% of what we own.  But, that requires time and I just don't have it.  I don't want to be one of those moms that can't invite anyone over for a playdate because the house is a mess.  Even when my house is clean, its not nearly as nice as some of the others' I've been to.  I met a really nice group of ladies that I would love to spend more time with, but I just don't feel like I can have them over.  They live in a nice part of town, have nice houses, yards, and I feel like I would just be talked about because I'm not the same as them.

I feel very trapped in the house a lot of the time.  Sometimes I feel bad for the girls that we can't get out more because its just too tough.  I have been trying to take them out more when Brian is home, but he has a ton of school work to get done too so I feel bad asking him to watch the kids.  He says that staying home is my job now, so I should be able to handle it all  and most days I just feel like a big fail because I can't keep everything neat, organized and completely under control.  But still, why should I have to do everything?  He can't get downstairs to do laundry, so I get that, but why can't he fold laundry and put it away?  I asked him 3x to make two phone calls and he still hasn't done it yet.  I hate nagging, but what else am I supposed to do? Do everything myself? Lately he has been doing the dishes, sweeping, and cleaning up from dinner while I'm putting all the kids to bed but that's exhausting too.

And when am I supposed to get things done?  If this is my "job" then I should be done at 5pm, right?  I generally have 2-3 hours during nap time when I can do laundry or what not. I guess most days I would just rather nap/sit down/eat lunch or take some sort of a break... but perhaps I'm just being selfish and I should just suck it up and do stupid chores.  I don't know.

Today has just been hard.  I was trying to pump and Evy kept pulling the tubes out of the pump.  I told her "no" a bunch of times but she just kept doing it.  I know putting on the TV would solve that and she would just watch it, but I didn't turn it on because they have been watching way too much TV.  I tried to re direct her to go play with her toys, find the doggies, whatever but ultimately I just stopped pumping because I couldn't take it anymore.

Okay, enough with all of that.  I'm glad I got it out and now its time to get shit done because the kids are all napping.


Juanita Dorrington said...

Oh Honey, I have absolutely no idea at all how you do it? I cannot imagine trying to cope with four kids that are so young. And toddlers are a total handful and babies need so much attention and care and to cope with all of that by yourself with no help at all with either the kids or the house, you are a rock star!
DO NOT worry about the house. I also wouldn't worry about those other woman talking about you because you are different, they will be too busy talking about your amazing kids and how you are such a supermom to be able to cope at all with FOUR kids.
I can imagine some days are just too hard and while it sounds like your hubby is trying to help he cannot possibly understand just how much work you actually do in a day and just how exhausting it all is.
Give yourself a break during one of those nap times that coincide, make yourself a coffee (or hot chocolate or glass of wine - or whatever is going to be the best treat for you), put your feet up and reflect on what an amazing job you ARE doing and try to ignore the stuff that there are not enough hours in the day for.
Sending you a BIG hug and lots of strength to keep going

Juanita Dorrington said...

BTW, I feel like I have to just say this. I am a working mom with just two kids (one set of twins) the age of Char and Ev and I am exhausted when I get into bed at night. I have a nanny and an au pair who look after my kids and my house during the day while I am at work and in just the few hours in the evening that I am in charge I am worn out. I see going to work as my break, so I have so much respect for you and how you cope.

Amanda said...

I'm sorry that you are feeling so down. My two cents is to identify the ONE single most pressing chore that needs to be done each day and just focus on that. Set yourself up for success! Pick one goal and meet it!!! Don't set yourself up for failure each morning by trying to do it all. If your kids are all safe, healthy, (relatively) clean, and happy then you accomplished a lot right there!!! The one chore is a bonus. And if you must up the energy for anything else then you earned extra credit points. =)

kpf1012 said...

Sorry you are feeling this way.... and our job doesn't end at 5! It's a 24 hr job. Hope you have a great weekend and find some time for YOU!