Monday, March 23, 2015

Thoughts....

Its become obvious to me over the past few months that I really can only count on myself.  It sounds sad, sure, but its the truth.  For me, asking for help is never fun.  I like to think that I can handle everything that life throws at me but sometimes I need people to step in and lend me a hand.

Let me give you an example or two: Just before Christmas, the kids got sick.  All 4 of them.  It was a Wednesday I believe and just after bedtime Elliott started throwing up.  Then Ollie. Then Char. And then Evy.  It was right around 12 hours of children puking, giving baths, changing clothes, sheets, etc.  Are you imagining the worst? Yeah, it was that.  And then came the diarrhea.  Lots of it.  Diapers filled to the brims with nasty icky poo.  All 4 of them.  I even put the girls in diapers because I wasn't sure they would be able to make it to the toilet every time.  So lets go to Friday. Its about 5 pm and guess who was next? You guessed it.  Me.  I had exactly what they did over a 48 hour period except for all at the same time.  I was so sick that I had the worst stomach pain imaginable.  I couldn't sit, stand, do anything without hurting.  I couldn't stop throwing up.  I couldn't keep down water, gatorade, nothing.  I ended up calling a nurse hotline and the nice nurse on the phone asked me a bunch of questions..... turns out, I was severely dehydrated and had to go to the ER.  So who was going to take me? I was way too sick to take myself and Brian had to stay with the kids.  It was about 10:30 at night and I called my neighbor K.  I asked if she could take me to the ER (10 min away) and she said, "No, I'm in bed already." I said, "Really!?" and she replied, "Yes, really. I'm sorry. I'm in bed already."

I think i was a bit shocked that she said no.  It wasn't like it was 1 am or something.  I called my other neighbor and he said he'd be right over.  He didn't ask questions.  Just said yes.  AND he even picked me back up at 4am or whatever crazy time it is.


Here's another one for you.... I posted a picture on my FB account asking if anyone could help me organize/hang/tag some clothes for a kids consignment sale.  One friend said yes and that she could come that same day.  Sweet!! ( I thought!)  She messaged me a few minutes later asking what I was doing that evening thinking that's when she was going to come.  Nope.  She wanted me to watch her older 2 so she could go to an appointment.  Total bait & switch.

Do you see the trend here? Me too.  I'm not sure if it was the way I was brought up or what, but helping people is a nice thing to do.  I don't always have time, but if someone asks for something and I can do it, then I do.


Overall, I'm just feeling bitter about this whole thing.  Are people so consumed with their own lives that they can't help someone out?  Am I silly for thinking that people WANT to help just out of the kindness of their hearts? We don't have any family nearby, and I know that if they lived closer they would help us with things in a heartbeat.

So from now on, when people ask me for something, I will need to think long and hard about it.  Its hard for me to say no but that might be what I need to start doing.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Yes, I'm still here!

Its been incredibly too long since I last posted here.  This last year has been tough.  Insanely tough.  The girls are now 3 and have opinions out the wazoo.  And my boys? They are TWO years old.  Yes, you got that right.  I have two "threenagers" and two cute little boys that are entering the terrible twos.  We are out of the baby stage which opens up the possibilities for going places and doing things but there are also new daily challenges as well.

People keep saying that "it will get easier, just wait."  But, I truly think that things don't get any easier, the challenges just shift and change.

Parenting isn't easy, and we all know that. But, what really caught me off guard is how hard it is to connect to other moms and find my village.  I've invited random moms over from my Mothers of Multiples group and that didn't go well at all.  Once, I hosted a playdate where I think 10 or 12 moms and their twins were supposed to come.  I had bought pizza, had my house cleaned, whatever and guess what? Two moms showed up..... without their babies.  Their babes were preemies and couldn't be around germs yet, so that I get.  But what about the ten other people that just didn't show up?  I believe one or two told me they couldn't make it but man, what a let down.

On another occasion, I had a couple moms from that same group over.  When one of the moms got ready to leave, she was looking for her daughter's socks.  When Evy gave them to her she said, "Oh, these can't possibly be my daughter's.  Hers came RIGHT from the wash."  In essence, she was saying, "Holy shit lady, you have dirt on your floor."  I was so embarrassed, and obviously didn't invite her over again.  She had no idea that I spent hours that morning cleaning, sweeping, mopping, making snacks, doing dishes, etc all while taking care of my four munchkins.

Another time, I invited a couple moms to my house and we had decided on 10:30 for a time.  She called me at 8 and told me she'd be here in 30 minutes instead of at the time we had agreed upon! Who even does that!??!?

There's one group of moms (not from that group) that I do connect with, but they live 30-45 minutes away which makes it tough to just meet at the park for a couple hours.  They do accept me for who I am, though, and man do I appreciate that more than I've probably told them!


The other part of my anxiety with other moms stems from interactions on social media.  I have strong convictions on some subjects that tend to be "hot topics" and its not always easy to convey thoughts accurately without looking at a person's face and expressions.  I've figured out that my Achilles heel is that I care about things way too much.  For example, if I see someone post a picture of their child's car seat being used improperly its hard for me to just scroll on by and not say something.  If someone says that their child is a picky eater and has issues with textures, and I hear "sensory issues" I feel the need to say something.  If someone says that its okay to forward face their kiddo at 12 months because the pediatrician said so, its super hard not to post an article saying why its 5 times safer to rear face until at least two and that its the new recommendation to do so.

My words to these people are not malicious.  I know that I am maybe too honest at times, but I haven't figured out a way to change that.  After I graduated from high school I told myself that I would stop being fake and trying to be someone I'm not.  And I don't do that anymore.  But where has that gotten me? Nowhere apparently.  Honesty pisses people off I guess and I'm really just not sure what to do about it.  They ask for opinions and then get upset when you give one that they didn't expect.  Makes no sense to me, but it is what it is.

This stay at home gig is 1000 times harder than I expected, and I openly admit that.  But I know it won't be forever that I have 4 under 4 so I'm trying to make the best of a tough situation.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Parenting and Social Media

As a stay at home mom, it seems like social media is my only tunnel into the outside world.  I spend most of my days at home with the kids with little or no actual adult interaction (aside from Brian.)  Sure, we do go on play dates to the park, have people over occasionally, and visit other people's houses but those things don't happen every day.  For the post part from 8:00 am-8:00pm I am on mom duty.

I will admit that I probably use my phone to check my FB, post pictures to IG, etc too much, but I feel like its the only way I can connect with others.  Its an escape for me to read up on what other people are doing, and see the comments on my latest "cereal all over the floor" picture.

Lately, though, instead of finding it a source of entertainment and a way to connect with others, I am finding it more and more of something that makes me feel like a shitty parent.  Some people post about....

  • immaculate houses
  • kids doing Pinterest projects every day
  • how they only eat organic food because the other stuff has carcinogens in it
  •  that they take their kids to the science museum, little gym, dance class, soccer class, gymnastics class or whatever every day or week
  • the fact that their kids never do anything wrong, or act out in public, and are just perfect angels
I'm sure I could go on and on. And on. And on. And on! about the fake things mommies put out there as their persona.  Now, yes, I get that there's a difference between being a Debbie Downer and keeping it real, and I try to keep it real.  I absolutely cannot stand those moms that I KNOW are only posting the "best of the best."  I like to post cute things my kids say too, but that's not all I do.  I actually, sometimes feel bad for those people that feel like they have some status to live up to.  It must be hard work trying to be perfect in every aspect of your life.  

I know that I'm starting to ramble here, but my point is that parenting has been hard since the beginning of time, and it seems that its  especially hard when social media plays such a role in it.  I'm a pretty confident person when it comes to my parenting decisions, and I'm realizing that stupid social media is making me re-think everything and is really taking that confidence away.  No one seems to understand what its like to parent not one, but two sets of twins.  Everyone thinks they can imagine what its like, but they just can't.  Until you've lived a day in my chaotic world, you have no idea what its like. Seriously!  Everyone has an opinion about everything and I think I'm just tired of letting those opinions influence the way I do things.  

Its one thing for people to be genuine, and offer support and guidance through comments and messages but I don't feel like that's what's happening.  I find that even other moms with twins aren't supportive and helpful in most situations.  We've just gotten so far away from face to face interactions that people feel that they can say whatever they want behind a computer because there's no consequences.  I'm here to tell you that there are.  The consequence last night was me, bawling my eyes out, in my kitchen trying to feed my kids dinner and put them to bed.  

My point through all of this is that parenting is no easy task.  People may put on a show for their FB friends, but I guarantee there's more to them than that.  Their kid probably spilled the dog food, threw spaghetti at the wall, made a huge mess, peed on the floor, or whatever.  They just don't post about it because they don't want to look bad.  Well guess what? It doesn't make you look bad to post those things.  It makes you look like a real person.  I wish more people would show that side of them.