Yesterday I went to the long awaited regroup appointment with Dr. S. I thought that I knew exactly what he was going to tell us because 60% of the time blighted ovums (aka an empty sac) happen because the embryo has a genetic abnormality. I was certain that he was going to give us some strategies to improve egg/sperm quality, or give us a new medication protocol for next time so that we could get better embryos. But, much to my amazement I was completely wrong.
When we sat down in his sunny office with overpriced high-backed cushy rolly chairs, he apologized for canceling our appointment on Wednesday because of his broken tooth. After that, he immediately told us that our genetic testing of the fetal tissue had come back and......... it was a normal female... he said.
WHAT!?! I was absolutely shocked and all of my certainty of our issues went right out the window. Now what? I wondered. He explained to us again that 60% of miscarriages are because of genetic abnormalities and 40% are because of unknown issues. He was very honest with us and said that he was as baffled as we were with the whole situation. After my first pregnancy loss in June (chemical pregnancy) he ran all of the tests for Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL) in hopes that we would not have to endure another loss. I am borderline hypothyroid so he treated that. I have one of the MTHFR enzymes which doesn't even qualify me for the true homozygus something or other issue, but he gave me Folgard (extra folic acid and B vitamins) just to be on the safe side. I take baby aspirin to thin the blood a little so that I won't get blood clots. I take Metformin because I "sort of" have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) but don't even have the insulin resistance that can possibly go with that. He stuck a camera in my hoo ha and looked at my uterus and said that I get an "A+." I have 37 antral or resting follicles in my ovaries which is way better than average. I had 23 eggs with my last IVF and 21 were mature when some women are lucky to get 10 mature. I ended up with 8 "beautiful" blastocysts to freeze which gave me amazing odds of having a kiddo out of that batch of embryos. I JUST DON'T GET IT!
I left the meeting being satisfied and dissatisfied all at the same time. I now know that
1.) I had at least 1 genetically normal embryo
2.) Pretty much everything that could possibly be wrong me has been diagnosed/treated
3.) My chances for having a biological baby are still okay
4.) There are 2 blood tests and some experimental treatments that could be done (Kareotype and Killer Cell)
5.) My doctor does not have all the answers (but at least he was honest about it)
6.) Trying to have a baby is going to be A LOT more expensive than I had ever imagined
7.) I cannot control what I cannot control
I hate to admit that I am a person who likes to have control over most situations. I think a lot of teachers are this way because we spend our days controlling our classroom environments. However, I realize after all of this that I just cannot control what goes on inside my uterus. Science can get my uterus ready, help make embryos in the best laboratory environment possible, and get them safely into my uterus. After that, its not up to me, the doctor, or anybody else what happens inside there. The embryo is either going to implant itself or its not. The pregnancy is either going to continue or its not. I have to relinquish my control and tell myself that once that embryo is in there it is out of my hands and I just have to believe that my baby will come to the earth when its ready. Until then, I just wait.