Saturday, December 4, 2010

Constant Reminders

As I said in my previous post today, I am over a month out from my d&c.  I mostly have my feelings in check, but sometimes there are reminders out there that bring back those happy thoughts of what "could have been" and the reality of what is not. 

Today I went in for an ultrasound to check my lining and my antral follicles.  The ultrasound machine says your name, date, etc.  When I went in for the u/s on the day before my miscarriage it said 7w1d meaning that was how far along I was.  Today when I went in the machine said 11w6d.  I could have cried right there and then.  It took all of my strength not to cry in front of this ultrasound tech whom which I had never met before.  The 11w6d was staring me in the face as if to say "HA" this is where you COULD have been today had the pregnancy continued.  I would have been one day away from hitting that milestone of the end of the 1st trimester.  Instead, I am back at square one.  I feel like I am no closer to the ultimate goal of motherhood than I was 1 1/2 years and $35,000 ago.

1 comment:

Whitney Anderson said...

Sorry Jessica...Yes, I have those feelings too with strange and untimely reminders. It's really hard for me to even go to my OB/GYN's office. I'm sorry about that. It's pretty awful that they didn't update things. My GYN forgot my whole history when I was in the other day...told me she could put me on bcp for weird cycles. I was, like, well that would conflict with IVF.