Monday, December 16, 2013

Friendships Change

I'd like to think that I've been a good friend to those people that I knew before having kids.  There aren't that many of them, but I feel like I still make time for a phone call, e-mail, text message, coffee date, or whatever.

One of my friends had a baby this summer and have really lost contact with her since then.  I went to visit her in the hospital, once after she got home, and she also came briefly to the girls' birthday party.  I've sent a few text messages and called a few times... we made rough plans to get together one week but she didn't call so we never got together.  The next time we had rough plans, I told her that the kids had runny noses so she decided not to come over.  Can't say I blame her... but she also works in a germ factory where kids always have runny noses.

I told Brian that maybe she doesn't want to be friends anymore because if she did, she would make time to hang out.  He just tells me that I'm being too sensitive and says that she's busy with work and her new baby.  My thought is that I made time to hang out and go do things when I had the girls... and even still after I had the boys.  I always make time to see people that are important to me... even if they live 900 miles away.  Perhaps people change and grow out of friendships and I guess if that happens then it is what it is.  I know I'm not the same person I was before having kids but I'd like to think that I fit my kids into my existing life (with a lot of changes) without completely losing my close friends and shutting everyone out.  Everyone adapts differently, and priorities do change, but I think adult friendships are important to maintain in order to have a healthy balance in life.

I will admit that I find it hard to make friends.  When you stay home all day, where do you even meet people!?  I've been trying to connect with other moms (many of which have twins) and find that they can relate more to the daily chaos that goes along with having twins.  Some moms I've met, I can really connect with and others not so much.  So, as hard as it has been, I will keep putting myself out there and I'm sure eventually I will find some people to hang out with.

As kind of a side note, last night we went out with the friend I mentioned above and it really wasn't that fun.  We went to see some outdoor lights and she brought her husband and her baby along.  We didn't really chat, and it was kind of awkward.  Could have been that her husband was there (because she's a completely different person around him) or the fact that we are growing apart.  Who knows.  We were supposed to go to this thing on Saturday night, when she asked if we could change our plans last minute to Sunday.  I was not super happy about it as the girls were dressed and ready to go and I had already told them we were going to "Go Go Go in the car and see some lights..." There was a local Mothers of Multiples event that another MOM had asked if I was going to go to earlier in the day and I had said no because I had other plans... so I went to that instead.  I felt bad that the girls didn't understand why Mom was now leaving and they weren't going so that wasn't great.... but I took the opportunity to get out of the house without all of the kids.  The moral of the story is that when you have 4 kids, you plan all day for outings and its not great to cancel/change last minute.  We ended up going on Sunday night instead and like I said, it was fine and I enjoyed my time with the girls but it wasn't anything special being there with my friend.

In the car all ready to go home after seeing the lights

Char was very interested in the tree

Char didn't want to sit down... she wanted to see the bark on the tree

All bundled up in their snow gear.  It wasn't snowing, but it was pretty chilly.


AletaObrien said...

I have to be honest… as a first time mom, I suck as a friend. I haven't kept up with my friends. I rarely call and it's hard to make time. I know that sounds weird. But some of my friends don't have children and they "only want to visit when I have a babysitter." And babysitters are hard to come by these days. Otherwise, I'm tired. That's just the truth of it. One little kid wears me out and I still am amazed at you with your family!!

Bree said...

So, I'm seeing this super late (as it's now April..geez to me), but I'm on the same page as you. I make time, regardless of the fact that I now have triplet boys to chase around.

I often get the crazy comment "It's so hard raising one baby...blah blah", and here you have 4 and are making genuine effort! I know everyone's circumstances are different, but at least treasure the relationships you have. After all, they're usually all we have. :) I too have noticed that dynamics have changed amongst those i feel are lucky enough to be called "friend." But at the end of the day, I'm not one to chase somebody down either, so I'm sure that cookie crumbles in both directions.

All that to say, don't beat yourself up over it. If that friend and any other that holds that title isn't around because of change, then maybe they aren't worth having around... ;) I live in a big state in a big city. I too find it hard to connect with other Mom's and I'm at home myself... I'd say if we're in the same zip code or thereby, let's grab a bite... :) No worries, I TOO plan way ahead and can't stand last minute changes unless unavoidable!

Hope you're having a better 2014!