Monday, November 12, 2012

How Life Changes in Two Short (yet long) Years

Let's flash back to November 1st of 2010.  

I was pregnant!  The betas came back lower than average, but this was my 1st pregnancy that had made it past the betas (1st pregnancy was chemical.)  I got up, just like I did every day and went to work for the first half of the day.  I always tried to take half days if I could manage it so that I didn't have to be out for so long. The morning doesn't particularly stand out in my mind, but I do remember leaving work and saying goodbye to the secretary and saying something about how excited I was to hear my baby's heartbeat.  Yep, I was one of those who didn't wait until after the 1st trimester to tell people we were pregnant.  Boy was I naive.

I drove home so that Brian and I could go to the appointment together.  We were so excited!  We thought that this was finally going to be it.  We went back to the ultrasound room and the tech started to do her thing.  She is such a sweet woman and I'm sure she hates giving bad news.  She first said something like, "I only see one sac.  That's a good thing."  And then she said something that I will never forget.  She said, "I'm sorry Jessica, but there's nothing inside."  I don't know if I really knew what that meant, but I guess I figured it out when there was no baby and no heartbeat.  I was completely devastated to say the least.  I felt like a complete fool thinking that I was pregnant for the last few weeks and really had no idea what we were going to do since we were out of embryos and out of money.

We were moved to another room to talk to a nurse, nurse practitioner, someone.  That part has escaped me.  The person we talked to recommended a D&C and I was okay with that.  I just needed to  get the baby that would never be out of my body so that I could start healing physically and emotionally.  They wanted me to wait until the next week for the D&C but I had a trip planned back to Minnesota for my mom's 50th birthday a few days later and didn't want to have to take PIO shots so that I didn't miscarry on my own while out of town.  They understood and scheduled the procedure for the very next day.  Thank goodness.  I  just don't see how I could have gone to work knowing what was happening/going to happen.

The next day they did one final ultrasound just to confirm that the sac was indeed empty... which it still was.  I had the D&C and it was the worst experience of my life.  I was under twilight sedation which seemed like it did nothing at all.... and then it was over.  I was no longer pregnant anymore. I felt more empty than I ever had before. Worst day of my life.

I'm so glad that Brian was able to hold strong for both of us that day.  He had to make the phone calls to our parents to tell them what had happened.  I just knew I couldn't do it and didn't even know what I would say.  They were all so excited for us and it just felt like a huge disappointment.

That experience changed my life and not for the better.

Somehow we were able to move on and all of the planets must have aligned so that we could do another IVF cycle.  We knew we couldn't afford another $12K plus meds for another cycle so we asked the RE for a discount.  When I called the financial office and asked what discount the RE was going to do for us, she said that he was willing to do a repeat IVF for only 3K plus meds.  I was shocked!  I knew we could figure out 3K so we decided to go into another cycle as soon as my body and the doc would allow.  I think we started in Dec/Jan.

Before that phone call I had felt defeated and ready to give up.  I didn't know if we could emotionally of financially handle it and at first wasn't sure if we should do another cycle at all.  Brian had a hard time watching me go through all of the pills, shots, etc. but said that he would support whatever decision I wanted to make and we could go forward with another IVF cycle if that is what I wanted to do.

Fast Forward two years to today.  November 12th, 2012

Today I have two beautiful 13 month old little girls that are the light of my life.  I can't imagine not having them.  They are the most interesting, funny, smart, and amazing little girls that I have ever had the chance to meet.  They amaze me every day with the cutest little things that they do and the skills that they learn as well.

I am also almost 23 weeks pregnant with my two little boys.  They will be the perfect addition to our family however crazy it might be.  I'm sure they will be just as amazing as the girls are and will add even more joy to our lives.  They are each going to have a big sister to watch over them and show them the ropes.  People say that we will have our hands full, but our hearts will be full too.

Two years ago I had no idea if I would ever be a mom and currently I have two little girls with another two on the way.   You never know what's going to happen, but life has a way of working itself out.


Aspgriswold said...

This post makes me so happy. And gives me a lot of hope that there will be a light at the end of our tunnel also!!

Anonymous said...

I am sure you will handle the twinss:) successfully.The most impotrant thing is to make them good people who will take care of you once you are old.