Today's Milestones...

Today I heard Oliver laugh for the first time! He also started playing with his feet.  It was completely adorable.  Elliott laughed about 2 weeks ago and it melted my heart!! Love it!

Charlotte learned how to devour the cream of an oreo in 2 seconds flat.  Atta girl.

I also nursed Elliott to sleep tonight. Its pretty much never quiet enough or calm enough to breastfeed with two toddlers constantly all over me, so it was a sweet moment.

Evy told me "Beast" as in she wants to watch "Beauty and the Beast" a few times and also said "mote" as in remote and Gabba as in "I want to watch Yo Gabba Gabba."  She's said the beast thing before, but she just wanted to watch it today... a lot..

Elliott is officially a tummy sleeper.  Scared the crap outta me the first few times, but when he rolls on his own, I just can't stop him!

The cat got out two days ago and managed to come back (that same day) I didn't even realize that she was gone until she was tapping at the glass outside to come back in.  Whoops.

I also just got out the exersaucer and jumperoo for the boys!  I think they are about the right size for those now.  Its hard to remember when I got things out for the girls... seems like so long ago!

That's all!

Feeling Lost... and overly emotional

I'm not sure if its the postpartum hormones, if AF will be making her appearance soon, still pumping or what it is, but I have been a complete emotional wreck lately.

The other day I just felt like nothing was going right.  I have pretty much given up on actual breastfeeding because the boys are having none of it.  Elliott will latch for a short time, but won't consume enough to make him satisfied.  I think Oliver is tongue tied and I haven't even tried to BF him in quite some time.  I still can't pump enough milk for them either.  I SO thought this time around would be different, but its just not.  Everyone I know says that I'm doing great and it doesn't matter if I'm breastfeeding, pumping, formula feeding, or a combination of the 3.  I know I'm doing the best that I can but somehow its just not good enough.

Some days I wonder if there is enough of me to go around.  Someone in my twin mom October 2011 FB group said that her twins know their colors, shapes, and how to count to 10.  Wow.  My kids know none of that.  Evy can identify a circle, kind of count to two and that's about it.  Am I not spending enough time trying to teach them these things? Am I letting them watch too much television while I take care of the boys or pump?  Before I had kids I said, "My kids will never watch that much t.v."  Guess the joke's on me.

The past few years all I've been thinking about is making babies, having babies, and taking care of babies.  Now that we are not TTC anymore I'm just feeling a bit lost.  Infertility treatments, cycles, etc gave me some structure and now that we are done with that and I have no job outside of the home things feel hectic and completely unstructured.  The girls have a nap schedule, but that's about the only thing that's certain to be done in a day.  The boys' eating/sleeping is still just whenever.  We don't have any regularly scheduled activities  and Brian's teaching schedule changes so often that its hard to know when he will be home to help or watch two kids while I take the other two out.

Little things have been really stressing me out too.  Brian got me a very special Mother's necklace made by Janel Russell when I first became a mother.  He had two stones put in for the girls.  For Mother's day this year, he took it to a jeweler to have two more stones put in for the boys.  To make a long story short, the jeweler completely wrecked my necklace and it looks like absolute crap.  They took out the beautiful settings that the girls' stones were in and replaced them with ugly ones to match the settings that they had.  I am beyond mad that this stupid jeweler messed up something so special.  I don't even know how to tell them to fix it either, because they took out the settings for the stones that I loved so much.  I can't find a picture of what I want either because its nearly impossible to find a side view.  I may just end up ordering a whole new thing because if I take it somewhere else to get it fixed I will have to pay to mount FOUR stones now, not just the two which will cost about $200.  The original piece was about $300, minus the chain, so close to what we will pay to have someone fix it.  I'm just beyond livid.  Brian thinks I'm being crazy, but I don't think so.

Used

Is it bad that I feel like not all infertiles are equal?  We all have had our struggles, but some less than others.  A "friend" from my past found out that she needed to do IVF because of male infertility issues.  I hasn't talked to her in years, and when she found out she needed it, she called me with questions/advice.  I love talking about our journey and sharing the information that I have learned.  I'm sure its tough to go into IVF not knowing anything about the process- its scary!

Anyways, we talked briefly and then she came over to meet the kids, chat, etc.  Mind you, we have been living in the same town for a couple years and hadn't connected previously.  She asked questions, etc. and went on her merry way.  She told me that she just wanted to be pregnant like yesterday (didn't we all when we started treatment) and didn't care about the cost because that wasn't an issue.  They got their testing done and within a month's time she started her cycle and was successful.  She gave me a couple of updates and then that was it.  She didn't need my advice anymore and probably never really did in the first place.  I feel so used!

My Story- the short version :)

I just linked up with Kelly's Corner for a "Show us your life" infertility.  I thought I would write a quick post to sum up the journey I have been on to conceive my four beautiful babies!

Where to start....

Met with a RE in 2009 and found out we had more issues than I had imagined.  I was naive and figured we would be pregnant ASAP. After 3 unsuccessful IUIs we decided that IVF was the route to go.  Sperm count was low and the IUIs were an emotional roller coaster to say the least.

1st IVF resulted in OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) and the transfer was canceled on the day of transfer.  We had 8 or so blastocysts that were frozen for later frozen transfers

June of 2010 we had our first transfer almost a year after meeting with the RE.  Had BFPs but it turned out to be a chemical pregnancy.

October of 2010 we did another FET.  BFP again!  This time the betas rose appropriately and we made it to the 7 week ultrasound where we found a blighted ovum.  There was a sac with no baby in it.  I was devastated to say the least.  You can read more about it here.

We had no more embryos and had to do another fresh cycle.  We started up in January of 2011 and transferred two perfect blastocysts!  I gave birth to my beautiful baby girls on October 6th, 2011 via c-section at 38 weeks 1 day.

When the girls were a few months old, we wanted to try for "one more."  One year ago tomorrow we transferred two more perfect blastocysts into my uterus and I was pregnant again! With Twins!!  I gave birth to my baby boys on February 22nd, 2013 via VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section) at 37 weeks 2 days after almost 20 hours of labor.  You can read the stories of their birth on Birth Without Fear's Blog here

That's my story in a nutshell :)

ROAD TRIP!!

I'm going to give you guys a little teaser and tell you that I took all 4 kids on a 952 mile road trip from Colorado to Minnesota!  Brian went to Las Vegas for a week and there was no way I could stay  home by myself for that long.  So, instead of flying someone out to stay for the week, I flew my FIL out to drive back with me, and my mom drove home to CO with me and will fly back in the morning.  Driving with 4 kids is really an experience.. but we just got home a few hours ago and I'm beat.  More later.

What goes around comes around

There's a group of twin moms that all have kids the same age as the girls.  I joined the group about a year ago and the group has become very close.  One of the gals' husbands is starting his own business and they weren't going to get any income until July because their accountant screwed up, so they were pretty short on cash.  She posted something in our group about how they couldn't pay their electricity bill, had to get assistance for food (but were running out) and things were not going well.  She was in no way asking for anything, but we all stepped in to help.  We made a "secret" FB group, got her e-mail that linked to her paypal and sent her some cash so that she could buy a few groceries and pay her electricity bill.  I don't have a lot of money, but we do have plenty to buy groceries and pay all the bills.  It breaks my heart to think of another mama that can't buy food for her family :(. 

Anyways, today my cable was screwed up so I called to get it fixed. I ended up with a $30 credit, and in addition to that, they are going to pay for my baseball package for the rest of the year. Coincidence? Nope.  Good karma goes a long way.

Birth Stories

A local mom that writes for the blog Birth Without Fear asked if any of us mamas had birth stories to share that related to infertility.  I had already written my stories for this blog, so I decided that it would be cool to share with a bigger audience as well.  It was supposed to be published on June 1st.  The day came and went and my story wasn't there.  I'm not gonna lie... I was pretty upset.  I saw another mom from our local group be published and I wondered why mine wasn't.  Was it a crap story? Was it poorly written? I waited a few days to e-mail the gal and then finally did.  She apologized and said that it was nothing personal and that they just had a lot of stories.  Makes sense.

Today, I got the e-mail that my story was finally there.  Sweet!  You can find it here. If you have been following my blog for a while, you probably read it, but there it is anyways!  They also have a FB page, and I find it interesting to read the comments that people write. Here's the link to their FB page.  I think its a neat blog, and do enjoy reading the stories of others.

Cool thing about this?  Friends of friends have shared or re-posted my story in other groups and my friends have told me about it!  So neat.  Glad I can help give strength and empower women!

We have a roller!

Elliott has been getting to his side a lot lately.  He likes to sit in the bouncy chair like this

Last night I got up to pump and feed Oliver and found Elliott like this:

I was pretty surprised at first and a little freaked out!!  He was happily sleeping away on his tummy with his thumb in his mouth.  So adorable.  I wanted to take a picture of his face, but was too afraid the flash would wake him up! (Number 1 rule- never wake a sleeping baby!!)

Oliver hasn't found his thumb yet, so we might have 3/4 thumb suckers and one that takes the pacifier.  Elliott likes the pacifier occasionally- generally at night.  

I thought that babies usually went from belly to back first, but not Elliott!  The only problem is that when he wakes up and realizes he is on his tummy he cries, wants to be turned back over, and then rolls again... vicious cycle!  

June

A friend of mine posted that last year on this day she found out she was pregnant!  It got me to thinking about what I was doing the past few Junes..

Today I have 3.5 month old beautiful baby boys and 20 month old toddlers with big personalities

1 year ago on June 25th 2012 I had two perfect blastocysts implanted into my uterus that are now my boys and I had two 8 month old little girls.

2 years ago was super pregnant with the girls! On June 29th 2011 I was 24 weeks along and had reached viability!  We all know how big of a day that is.

3 years ago in June 2010 I had just learned that I was having my first miscarriage- a chemical pregnancy.  I had a positive pregnancy test and was completely devastated when my lines got lighter and lighter.  I googled and googled and figured I was not pregnant... and I wasn't.

4 years ago in June of 2009 we started our infertility journey.  We made our appointment to meet with the RE and eventually met with him in July.

Where does the time go? Seriously!  Those first couple years of our journey were rough, but we made it through to the other side!

The tender moments....

It seems that they are few and far between, but today Elliott and I had a "moment."

The girls were down for a nap and Oliver was sleeping away in the swing.  Elliott was fussy, so I picked him up and nursed him.  He contently nursed for a while and then stopped, looked up at me, gave me the biggest smile and made his first noises that sounded like laughter.  It was amazing!

Natural vs. Spontaneous

When people find out I have twins.... TWO sets of twins... the first question they ask is, "Are they natural?"

There is something about this question that bothers me so much.  First of all, what are people asking?

• Was I lucky enough to ovulate two eggs and conceive on my own? 
•  Did I have to endure the emotional and physical pain of fertility treatments? 

Why do people assume that I feel like talking about one of the biggest struggles of my life.  Its MY  life.  

My general answer is, "All babies are natural."  Most people don't like this response.  They then clarify with, "Did you have fertility problems because..."  When they answer with the "because...." that often follows with, "I have fertility problems." and in that case I will tell them that "Yes, we had help."  

But, sometimes I just think that people are being nosy.  I don't ask people How, when and where they conceived their baby (ies) so why should I need to explain myself?  

I like the word spontaneous in lieu of natural.  Spontaneous conception of twins is just that- spontaneous!  A random double ovulation or embryo splitting into two beautiful beings.  Mine were obviously not that, and anyone that knows me knows that I feel comfortable talking about my journey.  

When people ask Brian, "Do twins run in your family?"  He answers with, "Only when being chased."  I love that one.  

We are very open about our struggles and many people have come to both Brian and me to talk about it.  Just about a month ago, I went to the dentist and my fertility issues came up with the dental assistant after asking about our "natural" twins.  She then went on to say that her DH had a vasectomy after his now 15 year old was born and then he met her.  My appointment was the Monday after Mother's day and the dentist asked me how mine was.  I told him it was great, etc.  I could see the sorrow and desperation in the dental assistant's eyes as she answered that hers was great too.  She has two teenage step sons, but I can imagine that its just not quite the same as having your own biological children that you so desperately long to have.  I went back this week to get my permanent crown fitted and asked her if she had  researched the clinic I had told her about.  She said she went home after our previous conversation and her DH had already begun researching!  I told her again how much I loved my doctor and what compassion he had for people as well as being a great RE. She said she was going to call and make an appointment.  I really hope she does.  She's a very sweet person.

What's your response when people ask if your twins are "natural."  Does it bother you like it bothers me?  I would love to hear what others have to say about this.