Oliver's ENT Appointment

We took Oliver to the ENT 2 weeks ago.  (Yes, I'm just behind on blogging!)

I got there, explained that he had a hoarse/raspy voice and said that he had troubles breastfeeding.  The doctor used a small scope thing that went down his nose to look and see if she could see anything.  I felt so bad for Ollie because he haaaaated it.  I mean who likes tubes down their noses??  She looked around and saw that his vocal cords were red and swollen and she thought it might look more swollen past the vocal cords as well, but she couldn't stick the camera thingey down any further without blocking his airway.

After she was done, she wanted to get an x-ray to check and see if that would show "something" in his throat.  This was not fun for him either. It only took a couple minutes for them to get back to us, and the x-ray showed that there was something there.  The doctor could only speculate what it might be, but she said she was "uncomfortable" not investigating any further because it could be something severe.  But, it could also just be caused by acid reflux which he had not previously been diagnosed with.

At the end of the appointment, she said that Oliver needed a bronchial scope and that he would also get his tongue tie clipped when he was under general anesthesia.  General anesthesia? What? My baby boy?? No way!!  I was absolutely terrified!! I did not want to see my baby boy in pain.  She also said that if they had to do surgery we would have to stay overnight! Surgery!??!!?? I was freaked out for sure!!  She told me that she would like to do this in the next couple of weeks to check things out.  I explained to her that when Brian was working, I was the only one to be there for the rest of the kids.  We don't have any family that lives nearby and all of our friends have jobs.  My mom just happened to be visiting from Minnesota, so I asked her if we could get it done that very same week so that someone could watch the kids if for some reason I had to stay overnight with Oliver.  She said okay and that a scheduler would call me that day.

Before I even got home, someone called me.   They said that the procedure was scheduled for the very next day.  I was really not at all prepared for that and felt completely overwhelmed with the whole situation.  I had no idea what was wrong with my baby boy!  The scheduler gave me all of the instructions for "surgery."  Oliver was not to have any formula 6 hours before, breastmilk 4 hours before and water/pedialite 3 hours before.  I fed him up to the very last minute possible because its pretty impossible to explain to a 5.5 month old that his mommy couldn't feed him and he was hungry.

The day of the procedure I tried to hold it together.  I had no idea really of what to expect, how long it was going to take, all of that.  I packed a bag for both of us and brought my breast pump just in case we ended up staying the night.  We had to check in 2 hours before the appointment.  Brian was at work and met us there while we were in the "pre-surgery" or whatever you call it.  We spoke with about 93 different nurses that asked us the same questions... "When did he eat?" "What procedure are you here for?" things like that.

About an hour before he went in, I could tell he was hungry because he wouldn't stop crying.  Brian turned on some music on his phone and it instantly calmed him down.  This boy looooves his music!  He fell asleep for a while which was nice, because I couldn't feed him!!

They took him back to give him some gas before they put in his IV.  They said it would be about 40 minutes.  Brian and I went out to the waiting room... I pumped and Brian went to go get some food.  By the time we were done with all of that, he was done!  Thank goodness it didn't take long.  And there was no surgery required.  The doctor talked to Brian and said the swelling and redness were due to the acid reflux.  There was also some "cobble-stoning" in his throat.  (I forgot what that meant.)

We went back to the recovery area and he was so sleepy.  I got to hold my baby boy with all of monitors and IV lines still attached.  He drank some pedialite first to make sure that he could tolerate fluids and then I gave him some breastmilk. He was obviously starving because over the course of an hour or so he drank about 13 ounces!  I'm glad I had breastmilk there for him, because he couldn't have formula right away... upsets the tummy more easily I suppose.

We stayed in recovery for about an hour and then got to go home.  It was such an emotional day and while I'm not happy he had to go through that, I'm glad that it turned out to be nothing and some acid reflux medicine should help him feel better and not have such a hoarse voice.

Here I am in recovery with Oliver.  

Why does it have to be so hard??

My friend had her baby today!  She is just about the only person that I've been genuinely happy for when she announced her pregnancy.  She was a few days overdue and everyone was anxiously awaiting the arrival of her baby boy!  I must have had a "feeling" because I texted her asking if it was "baby time" yet right about the time she actually had him!  She texted me back about an hour after.

Brian asked me today if I was going to go see her today at the hospital and I started bawling my eyes out.  I had already been thinking about this before he asked me and I guess I just lost it when the thought finally really crossed my mind.

Let's just start by saying that I think breastfeeding is awesome.  My friend plans to BF until she goes back to work when the baby is about 8 weeks old.  We talked at length a few weeks ago about what to expect, how it feels, how to tell if he's getting enough, what to do if he might be tongue tied, no pacifiers in the hospital, no bottles until 3-4 weeks,breast pumps, pumping at work, all of that.  I even gave her some of my disposable breast pads that I never used because I never have any leaking problems.

I'm happy that she's making the decision to BF, because I think that everybody should at least give it a shot.  But, here's my problem:  with all of my struggles, Oliver not latching, sometimes being rejected by Elliott, I just don't think I would be sharing in her happiness seeing her feed her baby.  I really want to see her, and see her new baby boy, but I'm just not sure how I would react if it was feeding time.  Maybe she wouldn't want company while she was feeding anyways, but as we all know, newborns eat super often and there's a good chance it would happen while I was there.  She is pretty much my closest friend and I can't ignore her for 8 weeks, so I'm not really sure what I'm going to do.

I've spent a good portion of my day crying and I feel so dumb for doing it!  I know that I am giving my boys what I can, but I just beat myself up over the fact that I can't give them more.  Oliver had his tongue tie fixed, but I still can't get him to latch and I can only feed him at the breast if I do all the work for him and literally squirt the milk in his mouth by manual expression.  He probably isn't really getting that much that way either so he's still hungry.  Elliott loves to breastfeed in the morning, but other times of the day are questionable.  Sometimes he wants the boob and sometimes not!

The frustrating thing with pumping is that you feel like a slave to the stupid thing.  I've said it before, but its like I pump and then start the 3 hour countdown until the next time.  This is becoming a problem since we have been attempting to get out more.  I've been going to the park, and it would be so much easier to just whip out a boob, than bring bottles.  The other day when we went, Elliott was crying so I thought, okay.... I'll just feed you and that will be that.  I was there with the mom that I just met and she had BFed her baby, so I felt comfortable BFing around her.  Well, Elliott had other plans.  He would not latch.  Just wasn't having any of it.  I tried both sides and our usual "football hold" that he likes the best but he just wouldn't.  In the meantime, Char stole the one bottle I did bring with and drank the whole thing.  Great.  I felt so embarrassed!  I was rejected by my own baby! It would be different if we were at home and I could just go heat him up a bottle or whatever, but we weren't... and I didn't have any other options.  He must have got a few sips to tide him over because he stopped crying, but he still needed to be fed when we got home.

I'm taking all of the kids to the zoo by myself next week and I really hate having to worry about "when's the next time I need to pump??" It would just be so much easier to feed Elliott myself and not have to worry about it.  I don't want to have to leave because I feel guilty about not pumping either.  I'm meeting up with a friend that lives on the opposite side of town, so we don't get together often and I really look forward to catching up with her!

I think that ultimately I need to decide which makes me happier.... pumping and getting more, or losing a few pumps and breastfeeding more.  I just need to make sure I split up the liquid gold between the boys, and not just give Elliott more because he breastfeeds... so I can't ditch the pump all together.

Here's my thought:  I wonder if I can try pumping 2x/day and BFing Elliott the rest of the day (if he will have it).  I can wake up, bottle feed Oliver, BF Elliott and then pump.  I usually get 8-10 oz after I BF.  Then, the rest of the day I can just BF Elliott on demand and not worry about pumping afterwards.  He might be happier if I'm more full.  Then, I can pump after I have put the boys to sleep and before I go to sleep.  I have NO idea what this would do to my supply, but it might be worth a shot.  We will see.

Turning Lemons into Lemonade

Today was complete crap.  By 10 a.m. I was ready to throw in the towel.  Evy was up from 1-3 a.m. last night.  She wouldn't go to sleep in her bed, in my arms, in my bed, not anywhere.  She woke up the rest of the kids so around 2 a.m. ALL kids were awake.  At that point I woke Brian up and he somehow got Evy to go back to sleep in her crib.

 Oliver was up at his usual 6 a.m. so I fed him, fed Elliott, and pumped before going back to bed around 7 a.m. Brian overslept for work and left about 15 minutes late for work, so he was rushing around and woke up the boys.

The phone rang at 3 minutes to 9.  I assumed it was Brian calling to say he made it on time.  Nope.  He was 5 blocks from home and a bicyclist had hit his car.  Yes, the cyclist hit HIM.  Seriously?  The intersection is completely overgrown with this ivy stuff and there is no way either one of them could have seen each other.

I got the girls up and they were cranky as heck.  They whined, cried, wanted more raisins and brown sugar on their oatmeal, wanted milk, wanted water, wanted whatever I didn't give them.  I was just so tired and thought I was going to lose my mind.  I had no idea how I was going to make it through this day!

At 9:56 I texted my friend asking if I could borrow her two teenage daughters for the day.  She called me right after I texted and said that she could drop them off.  Hooray!

We finished breakfast and they were all still crying.  All of them.  Crying.  At the same time.  And then the dog starts howling.  Its a freaking side show to the circus.  I turned on Yo Gabba Gabba in hopes that it would calm them down.  And it did!  All of them.  Some days I seriously want to hug the creator of that show.  (But most days I want to kill him because I'm so sick of watching it!)  I hadn't pumped for like 4 hours and was off my "schedule" so I had to get them to chill out while I did that.

I was completely exhausted, but I decided some fresh air was going to be good for us.  We all got dressed, I threw everyone in the stroller and off we went to the park. My friend met us at the park and dropped off her kids to help me out.  The girls LOVE the park.  Love it!  They seriously listen so well that I'm just amazed.

While we were at the park, I met another mom!  She has a daughter just a little bit younger than the girls and number 2 on the way.  It was the first time a pregnant belly did not bother me.  I'm not really sure why either.  I talked to this gal for probably a good hour or so while the kids were playing.  Our girls played amazingly well and got along like they have been playing together for a long time.  I talked to this gal like we'd been friends for years.  It was very unexpected, but great!  We both walked to the park and it turns out that we live about 1 block from each other.  We exchanged numbers and talked about getting our kids together for a playdate!

After the park, we went home, gave the girls lunch and put them down for a nap.  It really turned out to be a great day.  Just goes to show that life is what you make of it.  I could have stayed home and the kids would have probably continued to be cranky and tired.  But instead, we left the house, got some fresh air, and made some new friends.  I'm exhausted and completely ready for bed but so satisfied that I didn't just fold under the pressure of our crazy life.