This week back at work has been very challenging. I'm not used to getting up, getting ready, and leaving the house all day. I used to get up around 6:00 and I now have to get up around 5:30 to leave on time. The girls usually don't wake up until about 6:00 or 6:30. I pump, wake Brian up, and try to at least change the girls and feed one for a little bit so I feel like I get to spend a little bit of time with them.
Now since they go to bed fairly early I feel like they aren't even awake at all when I am home. I try to get home at a reasonable time but it usually ends up being 5:30-6:00pm. As soon as I am home I am put on baby duty which I am happy about. It is actually relaxing to come home and take care of the girls. I just feel so guilty that I hardly get to see them during the work week. I pretty much spent every minute with them for the first three months and now.... nada. I know they are being taken care of but I have this unreasonable fear that they will forget who I am. Brian is mostly taking care of them during the day but while he is teaching or at class our friend is watching them. Its only 15-20 hours/week but that seems like more time than I actually see them which is sad.
I wish I had a solution to this so that I could stay home but right now quitting my job is just not an option. We really need my salary and I get insurance through my job as well. Brian won't be done with his PhD program for another couple of years either so him getting more jobs isn't really a great option either. I don't know.... I just don't like feeling like someone else is taking care of my kids. They are my kids. I'm sure lots of people do daycare or have a nanny but I just don't really like it.