Saturday, June 1, 2013

Natural vs. Spontaneous

When people find out I have twins.... TWO sets of twins... the first question they ask is, "Are they natural?"

There is something about this question that bothers me so much.  First of all, what are people asking?

  • Was I lucky enough to ovulate two eggs and conceive on my own? 
  •  Did I have to endure the emotional and physical pain of fertility treatments? 
Why do people assume that I feel like talking about one of the biggest struggles of my life.  Its MY  life.  

My general answer is, "All babies are natural."  Most people don't like this response.  They then clarify with, "Did you have fertility problems because..."  When they answer with the "because...." that often follows with, "I have fertility problems." and in that case I will tell them that "Yes, we had help."  

But, sometimes I just think that people are being nosy.  I don't ask people How, when and where they conceived their baby (ies) so why should I need to explain myself?  

I like the word spontaneous in lieu of natural.  Spontaneous conception of twins is just that- spontaneous!  A random double ovulation or embryo splitting into two beautiful beings.  Mine were obviously not that, and anyone that knows me knows that I feel comfortable talking about my journey.  

When people ask Brian, "Do twins run in your family?"  He answers with, "Only when being chased."  I love that one.  

We are very open about our struggles and many people have come to both Brian and me to talk about it.  Just about a month ago, I went to the dentist and my fertility issues came up with the dental assistant after asking about our "natural" twins.  She then went on to say that her DH had a vasectomy after his now 15 year old was born and then he met her.  My appointment was the Monday after Mother's day and the dentist asked me how mine was.  I told him it was great, etc.  I could see the sorrow and desperation in the dental assistant's eyes as she answered that hers was great too.  She has two teenage step sons, but I can imagine that its just not quite the same as having your own biological children that you so desperately long to have.  I went back this week to get my permanent crown fitted and asked her if she had  researched the clinic I had told her about.  She said she went home after our previous conversation and her DH had already begun researching!  I told her again how much I loved my doctor and what compassion he had for people as well as being a great RE. She said she was going to call and make an appointment.  I really hope she does.  She's a very sweet person.

What's your response when people ask if your twins are "natural."  Does it bother you like it bothers me?  I would love to hear what others have to say about this.


Aspgriswold said...

I love Brian's response! I need to use that. People will always ask me almost instantly if Twins run in our family. I am going to start using that. It does bug me. I usually just say that we did IVF and 9 times out of 10 they shut up about it.

AletaObrien said...

I have the opposite problem.. I'm 43 and my husband is 51. We were told we couldn't have children and this didn't surprise me because I've been married before and wasn't able to conceive. We went to a specialist and was told to do IVF because my eggs weren't good any more, couldn't afford IVF. Almost 2 years later we find out we are pregnant. I thought I was going through menopause, that tells you how unlikely I thought we had a chance. But people look at us and our age and say, "You had fertility drugs, didn't you." Uhh, nope. But people don't believe us and we have only one child! And by the way, my doctor DID call my pregnancy "spontaneous" because we weren't supposed to be able to get pregnant. So, it's not "natural" in the way of a fertile couple. I'm on the opposite spectrum, but I get the same types of weird reactions. Lol. What does it matter. Children are blessings! My brother and his wife are doing IVF, their fourth cycle and next time will use a donor egg. Does it make the child any less or more special because of the process? Nope. Just means there's more love in this world when that baby(ies) will be born! :)