Thursday, November 7, 2013


Have you ever thought you wanted something, but then question it after it happens?  I hate to admit that I am really questioning my decision to stay at home with the kids.

When I was teaching, all I thought about during the day was when the final bell would ring so I could get my things done and go home to see my kids.  They were so excited when I got home... and so was I!

These days, the kids get up and I just think about all of the hard things that I have to do.... get all 4 kids up, change diapers, put them in their high chairs, make breakfast, feed them breakfast, clean up the breakfast, clean them up, get them out of their seats, figure out how to get them all to not cry so I can pump without them needing something for 15 minutes, make bottles, convince babies to nap, play with big girls, get babies up, feed big girls lunch, play with babies, pump, make bottles for babies, get babies to nap, get big girls to nap, clean up lunch, sit down for 5 minutes, get babies up, play with babies, get big girls up, change lots of poop, figure out what's for dinner, pump, make dinner, feed kids dinner, clean up kids, clean up dinner, play with kids, bathe kids, hope that daddy doesn't get stuck in traffic, put girls to bed, put babies to bed.  Collapse.

I'm exhausted just thinking about everything that has to be done in a day.  Some days I feel like I'm doing a disservice to my kids by being home with them because all we do is stay home, and sometimes just watch Yo Gabba Gabba all day long.  I have some friends with kids this age that know their ABCs, how to count to 10 (or 20!) and know their colors.  I'm not a creative person, and can't think up a million fun activities for kids to do all day.  Not to mention, I have to limit activities with small pieces of stuff because Elliott eats EVERYTHING these days.  If there's a piece of lint on the floor, you better believe he will find it.  I suppose I would also need some motivation to put these activities together.

I feel guilty for not contributing to our family income too.  Brian is busting his butt right now teaching 4 classes and trying to finish his PhD.  He's up late every night studying/writing papers because apparently I can't "handle" things when he's home and always need his help. My position at school was never really filled and they still don't have anyone teaching Spanish at one of my schools... I feel horrible for the kids that someone who doesn't know Spanish is just "babysitting" them until they hire someone.  When I was thinking about quitting last year, I thought about seeing if I could work half time at the school that is vacant, but didn't think they would go for it, so I never proposed the idea.  Its too late now and I don't want to go back though.

We never go anywhere, for a variety of reasons.  With 4 kids, it seems like someone always has a runny nose... and all of our "friends" are twins too so someone is usually sick and we end up canceling.  I have the quad stroller, but its a beast and really not easy to put in the car.  I just got a new double stroller, (so now I have two) but that requires another person to go with me.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I feel so stuck in this house and "bored" even though there is so much to do.  People who I thought were my friends don't call/text really anymore either now that they have kids because even with their one kid they feel like its too much work to get out of the house.  I made time for them when I had kids, but they aren't making time now that they have kids.  Life is just frustrating right now and I'm not sure how to fix it.  My sister is coming in a couple of weeks while Brian is at a conference in DC so for now, that's what I'm looking forward to.


Dawn Running said...

Hi Jessica,

I've been following your blog for quite awhile now. I found it from being on the fertility community website. Although i don't completely know how you feel because I am not a Mom yet, I do have an inkling. This past August I went from a owning a family daycare that I ran out of my Mom's house full of 8 boys, mostly 3-5 year olds to running one out of my home a half hour away from my Mom with just babies. Other than walks, we don't really get out of the house and with babies of course, there's only so many games to play. And now that winter is coming ( I saw you used to live in the La Crosse area, I'm in West Salem) we don't even get out for walks anymore. It's been a huge adjustment and I'm still not there! I'd be happy to chat with you any time :)


Garlic Bread said...

There is no way someone else would do better or be more successful doing all those things ALONE. Your state of mind prevents you now to see things a bit clearer because you are tired. Basically, you don't have twins-you have quadruples. It is very heavy on you esp every day is the same and routine. However, it will be and go. You are doing your best and if you do a bit less, noone will be hurt nor will die:). You made a right decision because it would not be possible to have 4 babies and work. Nevertheless, keep in mind that it is temporary. You will go back to work and life will be normal again, soon.

AletaObrien said...

I'm in a boat, of a much smaller size, considering I only have one child. But I'm not overly creative when it comes to things to help my child learn, because I've never been around children before (kids were either my age or older). It's one of the reasons I bring my son to Gym Rompers (will be doing an article on that soon)… I'm also grateful that my mom is a retired elementary school teacher. She will definitely help in Gregory's education. And I HAVE to return into the working force by August 2014. That's the "deal" I have with my husband. It royally sucks. So I'm trying to soak all this SAHM time and trying to adjust to the idea of working and having a baby when I come home from work. NOT going to be easy. You're doing a great job and it's a HECK OF A LOT of work with FOUR children!! They are getting the love they need from a wonderful mommy. If You can find things that You want to do with the kids and can manage it with 4 children, then go for it. I had to make a list of things I can do with my son, as he gets Very Bored Very Easily. ACK!!

Jessica said...

HI Dawn!

Thanks so much for your comment. Life is definitely hard with just babies (and yes, I still think my 2 year olds are babies!!) I would love to chat with you! Perhaps you have found some fun games and ways to play with them that you can share. I think you can understand my frustrations even if you are not a mom yet. Taking care of kids all day whether they are your own or not is hard! So sorry it took me so long to reply to you. Its like I blink and a month has passed by. Do you have a blog?? I would love to learn more about you :)

Dawn Running said...

Hi Jessica,

Thank you so much for your note. It is so hard with babies. Not because they get bored, but because I get bored with the same games and toys over and over, lol. Now your 2 year olds, I can think of all sorts of fun things. Making your own play dough is huge for them…you know that it won't hurt them because it's made with stuff in your kitchen and you can add food coloring or different extracts or spices to scent it (mint, pumpkin spice). Let me know if you'd like me to send you an easy recipe (the girls can even help you make it). Blankets over chairs to make a tent is always a huge hit with kids too. Mostly I spend a lot of time on the floor, naming the colors of whatever toy they have hoping it'll sink in as they get older, lol. I also spend a lot of time keeping the 9 mo. old from taking the toy I give to the 6 mo. old, lol. I do not have a blog. I started one once, but I'm not the best writer (my Sister got that talent) and we've been stalled on doing any treatments because of money so there's not really much to say at this point. I hope you all have a Very Merry Christmas!!