Have you ever thought you wanted something, but then question it after it happens? I hate to admit that I am really questioning my decision to stay at home with the kids.
When I was teaching, all I thought about during the day was when the final bell would ring so I could get my things done and go home to see my kids. They were so excited when I got home... and so was I!
These days, the kids get up and I just think about all of the hard things that I have to do.... get all 4 kids up, change diapers, put them in their high chairs, make breakfast, feed them breakfast, clean up the breakfast, clean them up, get them out of their seats, figure out how to get them all to not cry so I can pump without them needing something for 15 minutes, make bottles, convince babies to nap, play with big girls, get babies up, feed big girls lunch, play with babies, pump, make bottles for babies, get babies to nap, get big girls to nap, clean up lunch, sit down for 5 minutes, get babies up, play with babies, get big girls up, change lots of poop, figure out what's for dinner, pump, make dinner, feed kids dinner, clean up kids, clean up dinner, play with kids, bathe kids, hope that daddy doesn't get stuck in traffic, put girls to bed, put babies to bed. Collapse.
I'm exhausted just thinking about everything that has to be done in a day. Some days I feel like I'm doing a disservice to my kids by being home with them because all we do is stay home, and sometimes just watch Yo Gabba Gabba all day long. I have some friends with kids this age that know their ABCs, how to count to 10 (or 20!) and know their colors. I'm not a creative person, and can't think up a million fun activities for kids to do all day. Not to mention, I have to limit activities with small pieces of stuff because Elliott eats EVERYTHING these days. If there's a piece of lint on the floor, you better believe he will find it. I suppose I would also need some motivation to put these activities together.
I feel guilty for not contributing to our family income too. Brian is busting his butt right now teaching 4 classes and trying to finish his PhD. He's up late every night studying/writing papers because apparently I can't "handle" things when he's home and always need his help. My position at school was never really filled and they still don't have anyone teaching Spanish at one of my schools... I feel horrible for the kids that someone who doesn't know Spanish is just "babysitting" them until they hire someone. When I was thinking about quitting last year, I thought about seeing if I could work half time at the school that is vacant, but didn't think they would go for it, so I never proposed the idea. Its too late now and I don't want to go back though.
We never go anywhere, for a variety of reasons. With 4 kids, it seems like someone always has a runny nose... and all of our "friends" are twins too so someone is usually sick and we end up canceling. I have the quad stroller, but its a beast and really not easy to put in the car. I just got a new double stroller, (so now I have two) but that requires another person to go with me.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I feel so stuck in this house and "bored" even though there is so much to do. People who I thought were my friends don't call/text really anymore either now that they have kids because even with their one kid they feel like its too much work to get out of the house. I made time for them when I had kids, but they aren't making time now that they have kids. Life is just frustrating right now and I'm not sure how to fix it. My sister is coming in a couple of weeks while Brian is at a conference in DC so for now, that's what I'm looking forward to.