Thursday, November 10, 2011

Stupid Hormones

I thought that the crazy hormones would decrease after the girls were born but I guess I was wrong.  Today one of my friends posted a picture on facebook of 1000+ ounces of breastmilk all packaged up from the past two months or so.  I'm not really sure what she was doing with the milk or why it wasn't in the freezer and why she was taking a picture but that part doesn't really matter.  I was a little surprised about my reaction to her picture.  I honestly felt super jealous and a little bit upset with my body. 

Currently I am still breastfeeding and supplementing the twins.  Char nurses a lot during the day and gets formula at night (so that Brian can feed her and I can sleep!) and Evelyn gets mostly formula with 2-4 bottles of breastmilk mixed in throughout the day.  Basically, I have barely enough milk to provide for one baby and not a drop more.  I feel very guilty that I am forced to give them yucky formula and that my body can't provide for my babies.  I know it sounds pretty stupid that I am so upset about this, but I just wish my body would do something right for once.  Its not uncommon for someone to have a low milk supply, especially for twins, but I also know that breastmilk works on supply and demand.  If the demand is there the supply should just up itself.  So I just keep asking myself, am I pumping enough? Am I nursing enough? Should I wake up more often during the night and pump more?  Am I eating enough calories and drinking enough water?  The answer to all of these questions is probably not.... 

I just want what's best for the girls and I don't want to regret not doing all that I can for them.  I just wish the stupid PCOS didn't affect my hormones and milk production so that this wasn't an issue.  Brian just thinks I am crazy and that I just shouldn't worry about it, but he just doesn't get it.  He's not the one that feels like a failure.

On a totally different note, my friend Michelle came to visit us from Minnesota for the past five days.  It was super nice having someone else around to help change diapers & hold crying babies.  It was also great to catch up and have lots of girl talk.  I feel like I don't get much of that anymore since I'm not working and pretty much spend all of my time at home or with Brian and the girls.  We even got out of the house and took the babies shopping!  It seems that the only place I take them is to the mall or the grocery store so they will probably turn out to be big shoppers just like their mommy. 

Michelle also offered to babysit the girls while she was here so that Brian and I could go out for a date!  I even bought a new dress!  It was so fun to actually be able to shop at a non maternity store again.

Date Night!

Evy and Char in their jammies


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